Last week, I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.
Let me tell you about this amazing woman.
Barbara, Auntie B, or Gramma's grandchildren to us, was born in 1930 to first generation New Zealanders.
(No wonder I love music YesAlan DoyleYes (and YesGreat Great SeaYes), it's in my DNA!)
Gramma was a preschool teacher for 22 years and has been an active member of her community throughout her life. She was a heck of a schemer and helped launch several containment campaigns over the years. She volunteered at the Council on Aging. She also often drove to Meals on Wheels, “delivering food to the elderly” (as she called it), which she did well into her 80's!
When I visited Massachusetts in the past, I would swim with Gramma's for an afternoon, casually checking my phone, often distracted by an unimportant task. was taking over my brain. I think after knowing her all my life, I just thought “Gramma was always here, and Gramma will always be here.”
Fortunately, I stumbled upon an ancient Japanese concept that helped me identify and correct this pattern. It allowed all my recent visits with Gramma to be completely different.
Ichi-go Ichi-e A once in a lifetime opportunity
There is a concept that dates back to Japanese tea ceremonies in the 1600s called ichi-go ichi-e:
This translates to: “one time, one meeting.”
It is a reminder for us to treasure and embrace every moment that cannot be repeated in time. No matter how often we do something or see someone, that's it only time that actually happens like this, in right now.
This concept can make our memory more present.
- Instead of checking our phones, we can focus on the person or task at hand.
- Instead of worrying about tomorrow or splitting up, we can be here now.
- Instead of going through the motions, we can be a little more individual with our behavior.
I've thought a lot about Japanese Zen philosophy over the past few years (Yessee my essay about Wabi-SabiYes), and this concept of ichi-go ichi-e has stuck with me as well.
Which brings me to my trips to visit Gramma this summer.
I stopped worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, put the phone down, and sat with her.
I treated each visit as if it were the only the time I would get to have that interaction.
I asked her questions about her childhood. I learned that she spent a few summers living in a tent without running water or electricity, and her father built the home with his own two hands. And how much is she? he loved
She told me about her teenage years, including the time she left the house and was caught, and had to sit at the foot of her parents' bed until the sun rose.
I learned more about my grandfather. She even shared photos of her wedding that I've never seen before:
She also found pictures of me and her from way back in the day!
This was my favorite:
I returned to Nashville last month, unsure when (or if) I would see her again.
It still felt different. I had connected more deeply with Gramma in a few visits than I probably had in the last 10 years together.
Which brings me to last week at the hospital.
Gramma Community
Last week, my brother and I went up to visit Gramma in the hospital every day.
And each day, a revolving door of guests would appear to check on her:
Her son and sister. My uncle and my father. My sister and my mother (who just had surgery!). Her grandchildren. Her best friend's son. Dear Anna. Friends from the Elderly Council. Other quilts. People from her church.
At one point, 10 of us were visiting at the same time, and it turned into a complete party.
I was in awe of this woman and how many lives she touched.
If there's one clear sign of a life well spent, it's being surrounded by people who love you. Gramma has been selfless for so much of her life, and I was amazed and amazed by the number of people who dropped everything to come and spend time with her, exchanging stories and keeping her company.
Despite the situation, she still has a good sense of humor:
The first time she opened her eyes and saw me, she smiled and said, “I remembered another story!” She then told me about the time she “borrowed” a car, even though she didn't have a license yet, to drive through the streets of Boston to find her boyfriend.
While talking on the phone with her 94 year old brother-in-law, she asked “how are you, you old geezer? “
When the doctor asked “do you feel better today?” she replied “better than WHAT!”
Spending time with Gramma and everyone from different parts of her life felt like the best use of my time. I am in love with the community she has around her, and I am always moved to tears by the love so many people have for her.
This point was driven further home by my Gramma's hospital “neighbor”…
Live on purpose
The hospital where my Grammar lives is right next to Walden Pond, the very pond that Henry David Thoreau made famous in his book YesWaldenYes.
One day, after visiting Gramma, I took a quiet walk around the perimeter, watching the sunlight dance through the trees.
(The Japanese have a word for this too, it's called “komorebi”).
I then read the sign with Thoreau's most famous reflection:
“I went to the forest because I wanted to live deliberately, facing only the essential facts of life, and see if I could learn what I had to teach, and I couldn't, when it came me to death, to find that I had not lived. .”
Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.
Gramma went the other way, prioritizing what is most important to her: family, friends, and community.
Two different scenarios, same end result:
Choosing to live intentionally.
I have no plans to move into the woods and live simply, but I think I've tried my best to live more intentionally in the last few years.
In particular, reprioritizing what is most important to me as well: friends, family, and community.
We all have to decide…
A few years ago, Gramma gave my brother, sister, and me three of her favorite handmade quilts.
“I was going to give these to my grandchildren after I die, but I want to give them to you now so we can enjoy this moment together.”
She took the time to explain the meaning behind each quilt and why they were chosen for each of us. I am so thankful that she did this, instead of waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after she passed.
When I visited Gramma this summer, I found that she had printed my essay Yesabout my grandfather, her husband, who had diedYes. I hoped that I had made Grampy proud, but I realized that I never got to tell him what I learned from him before he died.
For that reason, I am writing this essay now to make sure she knows just how much she taught me. I am so proud of my Grammar and am grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).
(I got a text from my dad yesterday telling me he read this version to her in the hospital and loved it. Mission accomplished!)
I sure hope Gramma gets better and can get back home. After all, she told her friend Laurie “I'm not done yet!”
But I also know that this is not up to us to decide.
As Gandalf tells Frodo inside Federation of the Circle:
“All we have to do is decide what to do with the time we are given.”
I hope my Gramma and Thoreau can inspire you to live intentionally:
- If you are willing to put down your phone and being present with the people in front of you, life can feel much richer.
- If you are willing to prioritize what is really important instead of the stuff that tries to steal your attention, you will never go wrong with the choices you make.
- If you can find a way to focus on the important people in your lifethey will still be a part of it when you are 94.
And finally remember, whatever you do today, this is the only time this a moment happens.
Act accordingly.
-Steve
PS: If you want an interesting film about being present and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I highly recommend the Wim Wenders film. YesPerfect daysYes.
