I have been looking at the moon for so long that the man in it has taken out a court order.
I'm not allowed to come within landing distance of his little ball in the sky. I probably won't find out if it's made of cheese. It is a necessary sacrifice.
Because I think maybe the moon has something to say about Game GTA 6. Some moon leaks, some interstellar information to reveal not only the biggest game in 2025, but the biggest event that human history has ever seen. Scratch that, which the universe has ever seen.
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The kind of s**t that would make Dr. Manhattan stop, take a breath, and start thinking about making sure he was there to see it firsthand. It is much, much, more than the Nintendo Switch 2 release which happened last week, or so the other GTA superfan I've hired to keep track of everything else happening in the world while I continue look at this moon telling me.
However, I drag my eyes away for a few minutes, because so what – I ask myself, in a voice that is a weird, wonderful amalgamation of every GTA main character ever – the Switch 2 release has something to tell us about GTA 6?
Unlikely, yes, but that's what they are – our mysterious, obnoxious masters at Rockstar would have us think. It's a Nintendo console launch, no GTA 6 secrets hidden here, just a bit of Mario and some Joy-Cons, yeah? No, I say, I will not write you off without thorough questioning, as Trevor Phillips did to Mr. K in the Game GTA 5 'Le Leabhar' mission. I'll put a car battery up to your nipples if need be, Nintendo! Now, tell me WHAT YOU KNOW!
Things start out rather un-GTA 6. There's a Nintendo logo. Wait a minute, there's a little R in a circle near the top of the O. The R has the Rockstar logo, although Rockstar has a different font. It could still be a message that the developer is here, in the background of this Switch presentation, his hand on Nintendo's shoulder like Roman teaching Niko how to perfect his bowling stance.
We must look forward. There is a Nintendo Switch. GTA 5 is not on Switch, but when it is it was thanks to modders. Maybe GTA 6 is coming to the original Switch? As an introductory title. I know, it's a console that's literally getting another release here so it's going to be a little dated, but this is Rockstar, and you have to expect that expected
The Switch is divided into three parts. GTA 5 had three main characters. GTA 6, Switch 2 has two main characters, hang on, SWITCH 2 PROTAGONISTS. Does that confirm it? There are. No. Maybe. We must look forward. The Switch starts spinning, and some strange chips come off. It reminds me of a car spinning out of control, with tire smoke coming from, well, tires. GTA has cars. With tires that smoke. I've spun out while driving around Los Santos more times than I can count.
This is promising. We must look forward. It is growing some new ports. PORT OF LOS SANTOS, WHICH PLAYS A BIG ROLE IN GTA 5'S MERRYWEATHER HEIST. Especially if you choose the freight option. Ports confirmed in GTA 6? There was definitely a lot of rain on that first trailer, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
Then there are lines, which give way to standing. People make lines in almost every GTA game. Drugs confirmed in GTA 6? Get up. You can stand in GTA game. Your character can literally stand, and there are also things like bus stops. It's fake America, so nobody's going to use them because they all have big SUVs and Ford Mustangs…sorry, Vapid Dominators, but they exist.
Then, he jumps. You can jump in GTA games. Kind of. It's more of an awkward fall forward unless you're really next to a ledge, but it's something. Ooh. The Switch turns black. Like the black screen some GTA 5 PC players were greeted with when the game was loaded because of an issue. GTA 6 coming to PC at the same time it hits Switch 2, maybe? They are very similar platforms, as they both play video games, and have computer parts inside.
He moves in on one of the rulers, and a piece of flesh color starts to flow from it. I can't even begin to remember all the situations in the GTA games when a flesh-colored thing has gone out. Or meant to go out. There are just too many. Something blue is coming out of the other. There are also too many times in GTA when something is understood to have turned blue – if you see what they clearly mean here – to count. Very well, proved the old humor of Rockstar in GTA 6.
Ah, now the Joy-Cons seem to slide around like computer mice. It's kind of like they're having a race… Racing, of course, has always been a big thing in GTA – especially with online lately, a whole generation of YouTubers have been unleashed on endless playlists where you drive around a Hot Wheels track in the sky, do jumps, get boosted, hit people, introducing them to a camera instead leaving you a message that you should call the police about.
Maybe more races in GTA 6? Against giant mice? No, that's absurd. Two Joy-Cons. Maybe multiplayer races in the single player part? Single player races in the multiplayer patch? LAN party mode? Just like **t tons more online races for you to reveal whatever GTA 6 will be the equivalent of the chrome rattlesnake early in its life? All I know is, my mind is definitely racing.
The Joy-Cons join the screen to make one device. Three become one? Can't be the main characters again. Hang on. 2 to 1. Are the Spice Girls recording new music for the GTA 6 soundtrack? Certainly not. Rockstar loves the 90s and early 2000s pop tunes, though. Will the entire GTA 6 soundtrack – apart from that Tom Petty song, obviously – be performed by the Spice Girls? Even the heavy metal, rap, and country stations? Will we be able to steal a store while blasting a version of Wannabe where the 'Yo, tell me what you want, what you really want' is fronted by a death knell from the depth of Emma Bunton's soul that oozes every ear drum within a fifty mile radius?
Sorry, I'm lost in thought. Mario Kart is the thing now. Mario Kart-style GTA Online racing getting the real Mario Kart test? Mario as the man who runs all GTA 6 online races? This would not be the first time that a man with Italian ancestry has appeared prominently in a GTA game. Is Mario mob connected? Did he bring a crime family down from Liberty City to Vice City, making the same trip Tommy Vercetti did years ago?
S**t, is Mario the bad guy? Will GTA 6's story of Bonnie and Clyde style lovers revolve around them building up to one last big step up to the all-wearing king of Vice running the likes of a mustachioed Scarface, with a mushroom fueled drug empire and a trophy wife named Peach that he married after taking out the Koopa King who used to rule the streets?
2025, the Switch 2 announcement says. S**t, that's when GTA 6 is coming out! It's all true, it must be! Thank you, Nintendo! Thanks for all this GTA 6 info, I'm crying over the moon.
The man in it looks down and sighs. He picks up a phone with cheese, and calls his lawyer.
