For these grieving partners, Camp Widow offered a way forward

When Jessica Waite's husband, Sean, died suddenly of a heart attack during a business trip to Houston in 2015, she was shocked.

But the Calgary writer's life would take another heartbreaking turn.

The day after his funeral, she receives a box of his personal belongings mailed from Houston, which leads her to discover several devastating secrets he has kept from her – infidelity, drug abuse, compulsive spending, hidden debts and addiction to pornography.

“It was just one shocking revelation after another. I felt so betrayed,” Waite said presentHosted by Matt Galloway.

“I went from pulling the rug out with grief to then coming out with the impression that it was all my lies, and like 'Did this person ever tell the truth?'

Waits writes about this experience in her new memoir A Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards.

She described attending Camp Widow in Toronto as a transformative experience.

The annual event, which brings together people who have lost their partners, is billed as a weekend of emotional healing through activities such as workshops, banquets and dances. Organizers say it's designed to help participants connect with others who share their losses, whether in time, cause of death, or geographic location.

“(Grief) is very isolating and it feels very unique, partly because it's unique. I'm the only one who's lost the only Sean, that will ever happen in this whole world,” Waite said.

“You know it's universal, but when you're around people—every one of them who's been through some version of it—you know it in a different way. And so I felt a lot less alone.”

She also learned to lose a flawed partner.

“One of my biggest discoveries was … there are things that not everyone remembers about the person they love, so just allowing for human imperfection — the ways we all try and fail in life — was a big part of Camp Widow. For me, ” she said.

'A Strong Hope'

In November, some 250 people from across North America gathered for the largest Camp Widow event ever held at a Toronto hotel.

Jody Scates, founding director of Soaring Spirit Canada, the Fredericton-based charity that hosts Camp Widow, says the organization aims to instill hope. She says that people who “lose (their) person” often experience deep, overwhelming despair as they struggle to figure out what their next step will be.

“It's not a bright, shiny diamond-like hope. It's a fun hope. It's a hope you've worked hard for,” said Skates, who lives in Burlington, Ont.

“You have to keep looking for it. Sometimes hope can be for a long time, and sometimes it's just for another moment. But it's important.”

Ajax, Ont. Steven Sousa, who lost his wife Maggie to breast cancer in 2019, has been attending Camp Widow for five years. He said he was grateful that the camp allowed him to connect with others who understood his experience, especially because people often, wrongly, assume that men are able to move on or get over grief quickly.

“My first men's group here at Camp Widow was so heavy and emotional … I can actually talk to other guys who get it.”

He also says that while each person comes to Camp Widows with their own story — whether they lost a friend to illness, suicide or accident — there are shared experiences in the emotional aftermath and grieving process.

When Janice Martin lost her wife, Karin, to cancer in 2011, she was shocked that there were no grief support groups for queer couples at the time.

Tampa, Fla. While attending Camp Widow in 2018, she was able to participate in an LGBTQ breakout group.

“I can explain that sometimes it feels invisible to be a queer widow because sometimes there is less acceptance of the relationship from our family (and) the public,” she said.

Martin, who lives in Toronto, has seen the growth of programming for queer spouses at Camp Widow over the years, and says it's a place that promotes inclusivity, safety and hope.

“Hope is clear around us. I'm back with my partner of three years (now). I think it's a good sign that I'm able to love again,” she said.

“I think it looks like healing and hope. Just trying to move forward; moving forward and not on Karin.”

Listen Grieving partners come together at Camp Widow:

More grief support is needed in Canada

Heather Mohn is a grief counselor and executive director of the Lumara Grief and Bereavement Care Society, a charity headquartered in Parksville, BC, that runs a family grief retreat called Camp Carey.

In a community, she says, people not only share their own stories to feel seen, heard and validated, but create a space for others to do the same. After losing a friend, people often “feel disconnected from (their) system and world,” Mohan says, so participating in community events can have a profound impact.

“When you're in that place, it's really important to know that you still have value and worth and that you can contribute,” she said.

Mohan said Canada is lacking A national grief strategy.

The Canadian Grief Alliance (CGA) is pressing the federal government for a national strategy on bereavement, and is advocating for better access to support, increased public education on the topic, and dedicated funding for bereavement research.

In May, the group published the findings of a survey conducted from November to December 2023. The results reflect the responses of 3,874 Canadians who responded to a call for participants by the Canadian Bereavement Coalition, and do not necessarily reflect all forms of bereavement. All Canadians.

The survey reported that 50 percent of respondents felt unsupported in their grief, and 83 percent said they wanted to be asked about their loss.

Three-quarters of respondents who sought support said it was most helpful to engage with others through community grief programs and peer support groups.

Results of the survey will be presented to Health Canada in 2025 to help inform national strategy, according to the group Website.

Mohan said she hoped the strategy would help secure funding for bereavement-support charities.

“I have to raise a lot of money every year to keep these programs going. If someone says, 'Go here, do your job,' I love it. I can do more,” she said. .

Jessica Waite said she believes grief should be faced, not ignored, in a culture that often refuses to acknowledge it.

“I think we find that what's behind it — if we stay long enough with the emotions, the discomfort of it — is love,” she said.

“This is the love that we had coming back to this person in full force. And who doesn't want to feel love and vitality again?”