It's been a while since I've felt this uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and I saw Do not speak evil (Yestrailer hereYes), a horror/suspense film about a family that goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
And horriblythings don't go as planned.
If you saw the Yes“Dinner Party” program of The OfficeYes where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan's house for the the most uncomfortable house party ever, and think to yourself…
“What if this was a 2-hour horror movie instead? “
…that's basically the plot Do not speak evil.
This movie is based on the 2022 European movie of the same name, so naturally I had to see that too. And boy, that version was even gloomier and worse.
This film contains a very short commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here's why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This film asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone's feelings?”
I always joke about it Yeshow much conflict do people avoid conflictYes I am, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to today's newsletter!
Guilt and Overcoming
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So we went to the Episcopal church as children.
And despite this, I got on all the catholic guilt!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do my best not to offend. I'll take over, put myself in extreme situations, just because I don't know how to set healthy boundaries.
Long story short, I wouldn't have done well inside Do not speak evil.
I used to think this was just me being nice, but I found out it was something different.
I was disrespecting myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I have learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself…from myself.
I hope there are a few people reading this newsletter who are also enjoying people, struggling with burnout, and feeling overwhelmed right now.
If that is you, I have a truth that is hard to hear.
The Solution to Burnout Is Not a Yoga Retreat
When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we think the solution lies in a special form of self-care:
- Escape: All we need is a massage or a “digital detox” or a retreat.
- Performance: We just have to work harder in the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a better schedule!
The problem is that all these solutions treat the symptom, not the main cause.
As noted in Anne-Helen Peterson's YesCan't evenYes:
“You don't solve it by going on holiday. You don't fix it through “life hacks,” like a zero inbox, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or making Sunday dinner for the whole family, or starting a bullet journal. You won't do that right by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.”
You don't fix it with a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique, or f***ing overnight oats. “
As I share my essay on Yesproblems with self-careYesthe solution is not found in a Yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We have to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help others.
Limits protecting against Burnout
We people-lovers spend most of our time keeping the peace and tending to everyone else's needs, rarely considering our own.
This is usually when we see ourselves as too eager, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and may feel resentful of our generosity to be taken for granted.
The problem?
It is not up to someone else to establish our boundaries.
It is up to us to set them up, define them, and protect them.
This is where boundaries come into play.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to think realistically our need too. Something I never considered for a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who haven't also considered their own needs in long hour.
This doesn't mean that we have to suddenly be like “I'm the only thing that matters,” but instead, it means that we have to deal with the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and we must take care of ourselves if we are. also going to take care of other people.
As Dr. Lakshmin appears in YesReal self-careYes:
“To practice true self-care, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making the choice clear and 'intentionally prioritizing one aspect of your life over another.'
Here's your challenge for the day:
Say NO to one thing you are currently saying YES out of obligation or guilt.
Establish this limit for your own well-being and mental health.
Yep, this requires you to depend on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* disappoint someone!
Especially if they are used to you saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you, it is not their responsibility to manage.
One last reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can't travel in time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put less things on our plate.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.
I'd love to hear what limit you set up, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
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